gone ppl in different ways

like flowers wither and leaves fall

they'll come back as snow thaws

but who knows if as flourish as before

Two roads diverged in a yelow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

 

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was steril and unwanted wear;

Though as for that, the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

 

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

 

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one more traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

 

Maybe.

I dreamt about Obama this morning, which kept me in bed for almost an extra hour.

I was somehow situated in a party-like event, where Obama was giving a speech

He came sit on the bench next to me

I was like OH MY GOD! OBAMA! right next to me!

And I greeted him, with courage that I think I can never muster in reality

Well, in the dream I just greet him, as I greet everybody else, without a second thought.

Hey Obama!

He repaid me a smile. I think he did. Charming!

I forget how foolishly I drag the topic onto my birthday that happen to fall on the same day as his

I didn't think it was foolish at all

I was so excited that I think I spoke to him in Chinese...

And in my dream he obviously should understand that

but he still didn't give a shit about it. Charming!

I asked about his daughters. whether they are really going to star in Hollywood.

I told him I heard that they would show in HanaMontana

He said they would not play, for what reason I forget.

But he was excited about Hana Montana and began to sing the song with his body moving

like an ordinary drunk American dancing to the music you know

I for sure couldn't come up with one single tune

For god's sake, is there really a song in Hana Montana? Is this the name?

Due to the displacement of dream, I went on as a foolhardy about the birthday thing

I said you know what, people of Leo were not great, except you

I think, now in full consciousness, I should have put except you far forward, in case his was agitated somewhat

and here and there, I pulled millions of people down with me, which i am sorry for

but as long as they don't see this, there won't be a problem

after all, i don't always speak the truth

that was just what I thought to be true

but this is really what I think to be true

which is simply too stupid a topic to bring up to Obama

but he asked in my dream, what makes you think so

and I actually gave a damn reason!

I observed people around me, I said

those whose birthdays dot around mine or scatter across August

what a damn reason!

anyway, whatever non-great, I love people around me, just like I love myself

what a damn rationalization...

anyway, as the dream dragged on, it became more and more like my fading away monologue

on the stupid topic of the greatness or non-greatness of August-born people

until Obama had to go and I could find my bag nowhere and was terrified to reality

but as I woke up I found I forgot to say, don't let us down, and don't let me down

as so many people find him a charm that will bring hope

as I hope he could prove me wrong about the superstition on the Leos

for when he retains or even fortifies the charm for four year, eight years

I can believe Leos can be really onto something and conquer something with determination

or I can believe there are no groups of people at all

the only two groups are those who want to do it and those who don't even bother

一篇争夺offer的日志胎死腹中之后

突然发现有些人始终享受的可能只是追求的过程

追求的结果无非就是高不成，低成了也不得造就成就感

于是既非牛人又非知足常乐之人只得享受过程

 

如今我享受的又是另一番过程

每天迟到半小时上早课

在众多课中选择今天翘哪节

偶尔抽狂性担心一下毕业问题

找为瓦发一发野人之彪

打五彩球小游戏

晚上熬夜赶作业...

不比之前stressful但快乐程度也小幅下滑

但是能够处在某种过程中我仍然应该为之满足

没有leisure time to bother with

说明自己离misery还很远

 

所以还没有settle down的同胞们

keep momentum and keep moving

你们早晚会是胜利者~

当巨浪向我压来的时候

我感受到的不是畏惧不是恐慌不是压力不是绝望

而是疑惑我的勇往直前真的能把我带回风平浪静吗

这活了21年头的

从某种意义上说是失败的

partially体现在 老是回首观望

partially说明了后面大概还有这么点可看之处

partially说明了前面实在没什么好看的，前途无量光

有时又欲看还休，隐忍三分，终究还是忍不住

抑或那牵制着我不可回头的因素终于慢慢淡去，回不回头也不无分别了

 

时下二零零八年八月二十五

一年前的此时刚刚坐落加拿大

准备吃洋荤开洋文耍洋人呼吸洋空气享受洋风光

事实上除了洋荤吃了不少也没沾到点别的洋气

 

吃着吃着就秋风扫落叶了

 

吃着吃这就大雪纷飞了

 

吃着吃着天又蓝了树又绿了

我就数着日子回家了

which means犯贱的日子快到了

开始依依不舍了

开始作死作活了

因为我开始又回头看了

 

看看收留了我两个星期的@ers

 

看看陪伴了我8个月的Roommate

 

看看相处最久的Steph

 

看看把自己的围巾给我戴的杭州妹妹

 

看看被骗去pub的大龄dior男

 

看看我大学同学的小学同学

 

看看同样来自上海却风姿卓越的万人迷姐姐

 

看看帅得让我热泪盈眶的德语老师

 

看看难得要死的投资学的教授

 

看看疯过的中国人

 

看看疯过的的外国人

 

然后打开这扇此刻还属于我的门

 

开始整理行囊

 

丢弃不想丢弃的notes,reviews,papers,我的心血

 

还有所到之处的旅游手册和地图，我的最爱

 

撕掉那句尚未实践的座右铭

 

和门牌

 

我的宿舍回归成最原始的样子，等待我的离去和下一个主人的到来

 

I am not here any more.

 

I am leaving.

I was leaving.

于是post Canada的时代来临了

或者说现实来临了

Canada更像是一个确实存在过的梦

每当我回头的时候

朦胧而虚幻地朝我笑笑，又转身离开

于是我也回过头

跟她说，下次再来看你

bye for now

one week

I am done with Toronto

 

There is some place that I know I will never be done with.

I will always come back, come back to her.

While there is no place that I dare say I am forever done with.

For now? for sure.

For good? Who knows.

 

among the piles of books that i should have read by now

i am genuinely happy that i'm halfway through one of them Pamela and almost on the way of another one Emma

although i am only done with 20 pages of Emma and already quite confused about the relationships among the characters while my classmates are mostly done with 200 pgs, i still have a vague idea why everybody thinks she is a bullshit thanks to previous reading of its summary

but today in class, Emma is suddenly not that bullshit coz everybody has known Pamela prior to her, who is, according to many readers, a complete bullshit

some commenters in my class even took on a very weird face when they were saying Pamela is just so bullshit that any other bullshit in the world is nothing compared to her

 

i am not a firm point holder, never, so poor Pamela is undoubtedly stained with bullshit in my essay too

but in the first place i didn't have a single clue in which sense she is so bullshit

partially because i am a fool , partially because i am a bullshit too, i guess

 

i genuinely feel sorry for Pamela and Emma, coz they are picked out among millions of bullshits on the earth

now everyone knows they are bullshit, talks about how bullshit they are everyday

i am genuinely happy that i am not some infamous character created by some famous writer

so that i can quietly live somewhere on the earth where only a few people know how bullshit i am, and even fewer will talk about my bullshit, or at least they won't talk that openly

so my being a bullshit is by and large a secret, like everyordinarybody else

but i am also well aware that most people living on this planet are bullshit too, more or less

i dare not say everyone, since there are good people on the planet, hopefully, as we always believe

well, maybe not, even the best person have to have at least one bullshit aspect in some particular situation

well, since everybody is bullshit, it's a free world that we are living in

no one can be criticizing bullshit P or bullshit E as a superior

it's a nice bullshit world that we can live in and laugh at like a bullshit drunk

时间

就像别人抛过来的一块烫手山芋

手头要是有一块布

就能捧着慢慢品尝

手头要是只有一张薄薄的餐巾纸

那只能狼吞虎咽，即使没烫烂嘴也不知山芋究竟啥滋味

手头要是啥都没有

赤手空拳还是得接那飞向你的山芋

 

人们总是忙乎着找着那一块布

有的挑三拣四

有的无从选择

有的甘于用餐巾纸

有的横竖横啥都不用

最后接到的吃到的还是那个命中注定属于你的山芋

spring break旅游未成，滑雪未成，难免失落

一是由于过于精打细算，算到机票升到天价还没有算出结果

二是由于朋友中有男朋友的都跟男朋友走了，没男朋友的都只想独守空闺

但念因此省下几百大洋，假借着自我安慰一番

朋友说我扣，扣到p眼里

我也自觉自己过于视钱如命

吃喝拉撒玩都不禁精打细算几十番

可与父母、国内朋友一说，我又成了过于物质

同时扮演着penny-pincher and spend-all

难道这就是传说中的边缘化？

 

在多伦多的中国人给其他人的感觉是

小圈子，排外

如果你会讲广东话

加一分，因为你有可能是香港人

而香港人，在非中国人眼中，和中国人是不一样的

如果你是台湾人，满分

因为大家觉得台湾就是台湾

跟台湾人就是好沟通

 

在我的观察之下

大陆来的学生一般都跟我一样

会出于爱国之心做一些无畏的挣扎

比如在背后骂几句what the hell

比如在台湾人强调自己的地区性之后也强调一下自己的地区性

但是在人前，我还是兽心人面，至多避开话端

 

方方听我说的种种大为生气，说哇！有没有搞错！那你跟她吵阿

估摸着这也应该是大多数爱国同胞们的反应

我不知道她有没有和人家争论过

总之我自知英语不行，辩论不行，对中国政治了解不行

刚开口欲稍作挣扎便已被驳回

苦于小日本对中国内幕比我还了解

每天新闻必不可少的就是中国某食品中毒案，中国某假货案，中国某残害小动物案...==

日本民众恍然，啊~~好残忍好可怕>_<

我无语于此等不上台面的事情的确存在

又不想操出历史这张杀手锏伤了和气

只得懦弱一下，被国内同胞bs一下

 

但是我还是很惊讶于朋友说自己不爱国

我知道自己内心的反应让我大俗了一把

但是在加拿大，我就是俗

在美国我更要俗

在哪我都俗

虽然中国人素质不好，中国的产品不好，中国的收入不好，中国的生活也不够好

但是对自己identity的认可和尊敬不需要受到获好或坏的客观条件的影响

 

我不得不承认

我的确是边缘化了

不想面对回国的生活

不知道碰到朋友的时候脱口而出的是好久不见还是what's up

很怕别人对着我的what's up翻白眼

就像我对着老外翻白眼一样

也很怕别人用异样的眼光看我

问我异样的问题

给我异样的comment

但是我也不想留在这里，虽然我留恋这里

或许想要逃到另外一个地方

可是如此扣门的我哪有钱继续逃窜呢

 

同比曾经或仍旧出门在外的其他同胞

感觉自己比上不足比下有余

可是于自己期许的比，始终是个失败者

或许人根本应该放弃比较

根本不用管自己究竟是被marginalized了，还是assimilated了，还是一个diehard

生活就是无定数

谁又能一直走在自己挖的groove里呢

12/29~31 2007

 

三日las vegas之后紧接着的是三日san francisco

途经丹麦城

地方虽小但欧洲气息十足

可惜人都需要吃喝拉撒

耽误了我大好的观光时间

晚上竟然入住hilton~~~

家境贫寒此生尚未住过hilton的我顿时感动得热泪盈眶

并且我们的房间也异常的好

有露天阳台，阳台上能看到游泳池和温泉

我等连忙在阳台上大拍十番

第二天摸着月亮起床到达三藩市

三藩市ups and downs之多可比montreal

我们天未亮就开始爬九曲花街

坡度之陡难以言喻

方方之后几天都忍受屁股之痛

还好其他旅客都没有任何症状

爬到花街末端正逢日出，可一览san francisco downtown剪影

之后再china town草草了结早饭

虽说在chinatown，我们还是丝毫无法用语言交流

cantonese ppl多到极致，且多位中老年

只可用手语

随后便是来到美国之后第三次boat cruise-_-

真是吐意大浓到极致

不过还是蛮喜欢从海上看城市的感觉

一般tourists set out的pier39也十分有名

周边可explore之处甚多，很是热闹

下午草草外观了一个罗马式建筑的museum之后我等便走上金门大桥

传说金门大桥的斜拉钢丝抽出来可绕地球三圈...doubt一下-_-

下午被旅行团拖去一个酒乡

此酒乡与我们当初在niagara falls那边看到的真实相形见绌

不过此处可以免费品酒

我等虽未满21周岁，属于美国的未成年人-_-

可是免费之事怎可没有我的份

于是方方立马方下马尾

我立马抽出唇彩狂涂一番

方方又假装大搜索id一番最终声称忘于车中

人家看着我们eager的眼神终于施舍给我们一个酒杯

我们立马抓过大饮一番

 

回洛杉矶途中又稍稍在hearst castle停留些许时候

此古堡依山傍太平洋

外观古典

内置华丽

 

丝毫无法相信这样一个大城堡

和城堡脚下成片的山

和山里的花花树树草草，牛牛羊羊马马

都曾是hearst的私人财产

自此引出了我此生都无法理解的问题：人究竟为何可以这样有钱

 

回到LA旅馆之后我们便迫不及待的打开电视等着看Time Square的新年倒计时

TQ ppl mountain ppl sea的程度估计没有人被踩死也有人被挤死

当人们倒数到零的时候，老娘禁不住又有一丝热泪盈眶之意

可惜不是时候，因为LA还有3个小时才到凌晨

等LA过零点的时候，老娘已经意境全无

没有past year review

没有new year resolution地

平平淡淡坐在旅馆里面对电视和方方踏入了2008

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

经过这次美国之行，发现自己真地爱上探索城市的感觉

如果有local带着感受当地人的生活就更完美了

踏上回多伦多的飞机真是一百个不愿意

虽然，经统计，此次美国之行的花费令人瞠目结舌，令人心痛无比

但是有机会的话还是不由自主地想去

目前的心情和方方一样：身在加国心在美啊-_-.

 

 

 

 

 

 

威尼斯：

巴黎： 

new york new york:不过再去过真正的纽约之后这个仿造品显得万分的假

埃及：

 

转眼2008了，北京奥运会都要开了

时间过得过于快，过于快...

先祝亲朋好友兄弟姐妹们新年快乐，08年万事大吉

 

转眼08年的第一个星期已过

在这第一个星期的尾巴上

我背着一大包，拎着一大包，拖着一大包

回到多伦多熟悉的机场

回到多伦多熟悉的downtown

回到多大熟悉的校园

走进Burwash熟悉的门洞

打开2209熟悉的窝门

看着我熟悉的窝

内心有一种一切浮华殆尽

生活最终又回归平淡的感觉

心中难免有一丝空荡荡之意

 

我的窝看起来也有一丝空荡荡之意

归功于12月19日的行前大pack

宛如昨日啊宛如昨日

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 还摸了好几下-_-

 

   

 

 

找不到一个英文for无聊

找不到一个中文for fun

英文和中文退步hand in hand

 

Toronto又开始下雪

半夜景象：

 

早上走出门向左看：

 

向右看：

班长说得不错

一条牛仔裤过冬

 

在多伦多三个月我练就了三种能力

1.傻笑

situation：听不懂人家说话时

2.抖抖

situation:穿梭在biulding之间时

3.一边无聊一边开心

situation:考试迫在眉睫时

 

本周还有最后三天课

上半学期就算结束了

意味着我可以为怎么去美国happy打打小算盘了,which is actually a torturous task

意味着我要开始把doze off掉的课捡起来，努力学习，争取pass

可是，在如此关键的时刻！

本人上周竟然还去了四次shopping mall

一开始由于手头拮据，ended up window shopping

并且嘲笑同去的方方同学花了30块大洋买了两顶帽子

不料没过两天就被她嘲笑花了30块大洋买了两双拖鞋

于是我现在有三双拖鞋

超过了正常鞋子的数量

 

今天总算良心发现在图书馆泡了一天

最后闭馆时刻还是并不住开开小差

开始看着玻璃画自己

既满足了开小差的终极愿望

又满足了与生俱来的自恋狂的变态心理

成果如下：

经美化

眼睛变大

眼圈消失

鼻子变小

脸型变瘦

非常自足

 

开心好我又要开始无聊的学习

demo这里学习也没有那么无聊

至少头一转还能看看雪景

头一低就能打个瞌睡

嗯...蛮好蛮好...

让我pass就更好了...

 

希望国内的同胞们也有考试的考试加油

没考试的白相加油

盘盘打呼去也-__- Zzz.....

多伦多的第一场雪

 

把世界照亮

却冷死老娘

 

i like it

时下加币疯涨

每天乘着汇率小心翼翼的用钱

但是发现，有些钱毕竟还是花多了

有些钱花着只是养着自己的懒病

心疼的反而是那些不得不花的

 

在多伦多承受强烈视觉听觉冲击

外国没有外国的样子

满眼的中国人

满耳的中国话

颇有深处乡下版上海之感

 

被过多中文缠绕

听到i am sorry反映出没关系

又巧遇一美丽上海姐姐

激动不已

上海话泛滥

周遭人诧异

飘飘然

 

又见前德语老师

此老师帅到看一眼就要热泪盈眶

于是下定决心致力德语

不料水平过低被贬至初级班

想到不可与帅哥老师公修德语

不禁再度热泪盈眶

只得偶尔佯装旁听

每每热泪盈眶

 

msn中toronto group下朋友名条渐多

知心颇少

帅哥颇少

洋人颇少

早睡早起者颇少

 

过了华人版感恩节

wen jj等人亲手做了饺子烤鸡牛肉and so on

心灵手巧至程度让我等望尘莫及

虽然不是和每个人都很熟

但是大家都很关照

心存感激

 

过了洋人版感恩节

thanks to Jim&Michel

thanksgiving dinner很authentic

有烤火鸡

with stuffing的那种

虽然鸡没有易买得10块一只的电烤鸡好吃

这样的thanksgiving这辈子大概就过这么一次把

 

尼加拉瓜大瀑布两日游

在到多伦多后不久

到多伦多以来第一件开心的事情

骗到竹子的朋友当了免费导游和司机

继续感激

不小心删了第一天全部的照片

扇自己耳光到脸肿

 

感激篇完

花巨金看了完整版色戒

看得七窍流血，呕吐不止

走出电影院数日仍出现幻象

 

天气转冷考试临近

只有三门要复习却还是觉得多

 

 

做着可以做的事，应该做的事，感觉对的事

生活学习玩乐都以上轨

可以真心用good回答how are you

但总觉得在用一些努力

生活可以更好